Andrea Chacos

Aspen Times | Chacos: How to incarcerate the politically incorrect • January 2023

How to incarcerate the politically incorrect

The words came out of his mouth before I could stop him. “Where are you from?” he asked. The question was directed at two young women (brown), and I was the older bystander (white). As silence parked between the four of us, the confrontational part of my personality shifted into gear because in my spare time I’m also a member of the Politically Correct (PC) police.

Aspen Times | Chacos: ‘Tis the season for online-shopping • December 2022

‘Tis the season for online-shopping

I needed to have a Snoop on a Stoop seconds after the advertisement popped up on my social-media feed. He’s like an Elf on a Shelf, only he’s black, and he’s smoking. I don’t know anyone else who owns a smoking Elf, let alone a smoking Snoop, so I bought four of them. The reward for my bulk purchase was a 10% discount and free shipping.

Vail Daily | Chacos: Just try it! The universal taste of soccer • November 2022

Just try it! The universal taste of soccer

We call it soccer while the rest of the planet calls it fútbol. It’s the world’s most popular game and billions will watch it on television when the final FIFA World Cup match is played on Dec. 18 in Qatar. To put that in perspective, only millions tune in when the Super Bowl is on television, even when Tom Brady’s Patriots beat the Seattle Seahawks in 2015.

The Colorado Sun • October 2022

Advocacy for the transgender few does not take rights away from the many

Some individuals claim the LGBTQIA+ population is sinful, harmful, and broken. A local school district disagrees and developed a plan to support their LGBTQIA+ students from further ostracism, demonization, and ignorance against a backdrop of survey results and national statistics indicating this population is at a dramatically increased risk for depression and suicide compared to their peers. These are the facts.

Vail Daily | Chacos: Do I hang onto Halloween when I’m the only one? • October 2022

Do I hang onto Halloween when I’m the only one?

I’m in the garage looking for the bin labeled Halloween when I’m told, “It’s way too soon to bring out the skeletons and spider webs.” I try to defend my enthusiasm for the ghoulish tchotchkes that have been buried away for a year, but my youngest child walks out before I can respond. With sweat dripping down my back because the sun still suffocates this time of year, I wonder when everyone in my family turned into such autumnal killjoys.

Vail Daily | Chacos: Are we doomed to have only good vocabulary? • September 2022

Are we doomed to have only good vocabulary?

When I hear a fancy word I don’t know, I open my phone and type it into a page titled, “Words to learn and try out in casual conversation without sounding like an idiot.” Then I slip the phone back into my pocket before anyone notices what I’m doing. I’m not erudite or anything, but I simply love the idea of elevated vocabulary. Unfortunately, my overuse of words like, “awesome” and the ubiquitous “motherf%#er” betray my lofty ambitions.

Vail Daily | Chacos: The long road to constitutional equity • August 2022

The long road to constitutional equity

Women in our country have been lobbying, challenging, rallying, and fighting for civil rights since the U.S. Constitution was ratified in 1788. “We’ve come a long way, baby,” as the saying goes, yet a woman is nowhere close to having constitutional equality with men. The fight is painstakingly long, riddled with many setbacks, and it’s made more challenging when we fight a system designed to keep us marginalized.

Post Independent | Citizen Telegram • August 2022

What is Forced Family Fun?

I can’t take credit for the term, Forced Family Fun, but I do understand the fundamental principles like I wrote the manual. It’s what another dad I know declares as, “So help me sweet Jesus, we’re having non-negotiable time with the family if it’s the last thing we do.”

The Colorado Sun • June 2022

Don’t tell my kids that birth order doesn’t matter.

Statistical studies debunked Alfred Adler’s theory about the supposed birth-order characteristics of children years ago. I don’t care. In my home, the kids will tell you Adler was legit. My oldest is convinced we’re the strictest with her, having to pave the way for others. The middle child, afraid to be overlooked, is loud and boisterous. The baby doesn’t say much at all because he doesn’t have to say much at all. He uses facial gestures instead.

Vail Daily • May 2022

Why am I always so tired?

I asked Google to answer my chronic fatigue problem after signing up for a marathon I never intended to run. One formal-looking site that may or may not employ an actual human said, “Lack of sleep, too much sleep, not enough exercise, too much exercise, heavy exertion, jetlag, or aging.” The last word tripped me up.

Vail Daily | Chacos: The American family tech war • April 2022

The American Family tech war

Feigning inconvenience, I scroll my Facebook feed once a day to keep up with the news. OK, OK. I visit the site a few times a day seeing who’s put on a few pounds, who’s in Mexico together over Spring Break, and who has the nerve to block me and my witty humor.

Vail Daily • March 2022

3 Reasons we love a Snow Day

“Put a spoon under your pillow!” the youngest shouts with glee. The oldest adds, “Everyone knows you have to flush an ice cube down the toilet!” I mentally note my daughter now seems to also be an expert in witchcraft and will circle back to that one later. The middle child scoffs with a “Pfft!” and closes his eyes for the night, trusting his siblings will cast all the right spells. He wants a Snow Day, too, except he’s extraordinarily cool these days to entertain us with his care.

The Colorado Sun • February 2022

Of G-d, big questions, dark alleys, and Whoopi Goldberg

"Do you believe in G-d?” my son asks while I hastily drive him to meet the rabbi for Hebrew school, after yelling “sweet Jesus” to the sweet-looking senior in the left lane driving so slowly it’s as if he’s on a Sunday jaunt through the English countryside, and long before thinking through what I should say to my little seraph.

Post Independent • January 2022

Lauren Boebert is just like me

Lauren Boebert, the freshman Republican congresswoman from Colorado, is just like me. We both call the Rocky Mountains home, although Boebert originally hails from Florida and I’m from Connecticut. That means we both cut our prepubescent teeth on the east coast, and therefore, we both have bold personalities. We both also dabble in politics. Boebert represents Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District, and I vote.

Vail Daily • December 2021

How to stop grown men from squirming when boys wear pink

Kudos to those who listen to the latest conspiracy theories from Tucker Carlson’s minions on cable television and choose not to throat punch them into silence.

Vail Daily • November 2021

How to move past 36-24-36

I walk into these conversations like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart,” but it’s hard to buy what I sell, especially when I think back to my own journey.

Vail Daily • October 2021

The real meaning of Halloween

There’s nothing that encourages me to embrace the irreverent more than haunted houses, skeletons and waxed candy corn. Especially after the crap we’ve had to deal with all year.

Post Independent • September 2021

Age is a number and birthdays are loaded

According to the folks who enter the world on Christmas or Valentine’s Day, timing is everything. An end-of-summer birthday isn’t great either, especially when the vibe is back-to-school shopping and Sunday pigskin.

Scary Mommy • August 2021

What Employers Really Want From Teenagers Today

My very first job was at the local sporting goods store, and it sucked. As a savvy teen, I thought spending my days after school in the sprawling mall (where said employment was located) would improve my social life and give me an opportunity to sample all the vittles in the food court. I had no idea the job would be actual work.

Vail Daily • July 2021

July’s rules and regulations

“Read, now!” said no one ever to my children during the hot, hazy months of summer break. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I promote having literate teenagers in early June with routines around the house. For the better part of July, we still value their education, but seemingly not as much as their curfew creeps to later hours and the chore chart slides off the refrigerator door, wedging between a cabinet and a potato chip, forever gone.